The voice in my head: Hah! He cannot not afford to reply. Heard of something called patience?
Me: No, he is not a doctor. He doesn’t have to deal with patients. He sure has plenty of time on his hand.
TVIMH: Aww, honey! That wasn’t funny in the least. If anything, it was bleah.
Me: Thanks. You are being very helpful.
TVIMH: Oh, I aim to help you. And you know that dear, don’t you?
Me: I am on the verge of an anxiety attack, goddamnit! And this is the kind of support I get from you, my inner voice? Ah! Woe is me!
TVIMH: Tell you what, you make a very bad drama queen. Period.
Me: Huh? Did you by any chance jump ship? You traitor, you!
TVIMH: You could never make me do that. Not even if you make a bigger fool of yourself than you have managed to accomplish till date.
Me: Yeah, right! What would I be without you?
TVIMH: Lost.
Me: Don’t you ever get tired of listening to yourself? I mean, I could very well do without you. It sure must be stifling in there, right? Why don’t you take a break or something? That would do both of us a great deal of good.
TVIMH: I am afraid not. You see, when God made you, he saw that there was something amiss inside you. That was when he sent me to be with you with a note that said,
“An acute case of foot-in-the-mouth-itis. Guard her.”
Me: Oh, so I am a defective piece. Why, thanks. That is a welcome news.
TVIMH: I am not quite finished about that note. The post script in God’s very own handwriting on that scroll read:
“Being a pachyderm ain’t bad. Teach her that.”
Me: Right! So how are we doing on ‘Being a Pachyderm 101’.
TVIMH: Terrible! A hundred different kinds of terrible. You gotta send that sensitive side of yours on a hike. Seriously!
Me: Yeah, with you around, I don’t need anything or anyone else. Not even S!
TVIMH: So this S is the guy who hasn’t responded to your mail. He is the one who is responsible for you babbling to no one in particular. He is the one who is making you refresh your gmail inbox every other minute. Am I right?
Me: Um-yeah. But my behavior is beside the point. The point here is – why hasn’t he responded yet to my e-mail after more than 24 hours. 28 hours and 12 minutes to be precise.
TVIMH: The seconds don’t count, I see.
Me: Are you by any chance on a mission to infuriate me?
TVIMH: Actually not. I am only trying to make you see the big picture.
Me: Oh, yeah? And that is?
TVIMH: Now, that’s a good girl. So how long is it since you know this S guy?
Me: 9 days.
TVIMH: That is a lot of time to get anxious about the non-receipt of a mail from someone, huh? I must be really stone-age.
Me: It is not the amount of time that matters. The thing is I felt a kind of connection with him when I saw his profile first.
TVIMH: By Jove, that must have been some super strong connection for you to feel traversing the Pacific between the two of you. Remember the time when you felt a similar oh-so-strong connection with David Sedaris’ ‘I Talk Pretty One Day’, and decided that you must have the book right then. And when you finally did get your hands on a copy of that, that connection was nowhere to be seen. And I think you still haven’t gone past a few pages on that book.
Me: Are you out of your mind? You are comparing apples and oranges here. That was a book, and he is a living being, for God’s sake.
TVIMH: Ah! I thought I was being rather just given that your excitement for the book was because you thought you had found a kindred soul who was in the same category as you – socially inept. Gauche. And that I thought was the best kind of connection one could have, after your recent fiasco.
Me: What do you call someone with an elephantine memory, and with the ability to impart clarity as though touched by the hand of God?
TVIMH: Umm, I suppose you could call her ‘The voice in my head’ or ‘My inner voice’. Either way, it’s fine. I don’t crave social recognition, you see. The only thing I care about is whether you are living to your highest right. And when you stray, you can rest assured woman, that I will make you take note of my presence and set you on the right path.
Me: Have I ever told you that I love you?
TVIMH: Not quite as often as I would have liked to hear.
Me: Right! So let’s maintain the status quo for a little while more. I am a stiff-upper-lipped-fiercely-independent woman after all. Gotta be true to myself. Wouldn’t want you to be enraged if I do anything that is so unlike me.
TVIMH: Hah! Sure, I can live with the status quo.
Me: So let me attend to my work now, and I promise I won’t check my gmail again for the day.
TVIMH: Now, that is music to my ears. Let me catch up on some sleep now. You sure do keep me busy. Toodles.
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